The Intractable Interrogator
by RockSunner
Summary: An AU fiction in which the Baudelaires make a different choice in accepting a ride with consequences so woeful that you had best read something else. Spoilers for TGG.
1. Alternate Ending for The Grim Grotto

The Intractable Interrogator  
  
This AU fanfiction is about what would have happened if the Baudelaires had accepted a ride from Mr. Poe. It contains spoilers for The Grim Grotto. Disclaimer: none of the characters belong to me.  
  
Alternate Ending for The Grim Grotto  
  
The Baudelaires watched as a familiar figure emerged from the fog, took off his tall top hat, and coughed into his handkerchief.  
  
"Baudelaires!" said Mr. Poe, "Egad, I can't believe you're really here!"  
  
"You?" Klaus asked in astonishment, "You're the one we're supposed to meet?"  
  
"I guess so," Mr. Poe said, taking out a crumpled piece of paper from his pocket. "I received a message that you'd be here at Briny Beach today."  
  
"Who sent it?" Klaus asked.  
  
Mr. Poe merely coughed and shrugged his shoulders wearily. The children noticed he looked much older than the last time they saw him, and wondered how much older they looked themselves. "The message is signed J.S., so I assume it's from that reporter at The Daily Punctilio, Geraldine Julienne. How in the world did you get here, and where have you been? You'd better come with me and see the police at once. You've been accused of murder, arson, kidnapping, and assorted misdemeanors! You have a great deal of explaining to do."  
  
"Should we trust him?" Klaus whispered to Violet.  
  
"Not!" said Sunny emphatically.  
  
"I'm not sure," whispered Violet. "I couldn't find the poem for the second half of the Verse Fluctuation Declaration. We were told to come to Briny Beach, and Mr. Poe's here for us. And we know the telegram was copied to J.S., so I think we have to trust the person who sent him, at least."  
  
"Stop whispering and come along at once," said Poe. "My car's parked nearby."  
  
As they were getting into the back seat of Mr. Poe's car, they heard the sound of frantic honking. A yellow taxi with dark-tinted windows raced toward them.  
  
"Come on, quickly," ordered Mr. Poe. "I don't like the look of that taxi." He jumped into the driver's seat and sped away. The taxi followed close behind, still honking at them.  
  
"Dear me, this won't do..." said Mr. Poe. "Fortunately, I've begun carrying a revolver tucked into the lining of my top hat."  
  
He drew the weapon, and with one hand on the steering wheel he looked backward and fired a shot between the heads of Violet and Klaus! It broke out the back window and went straight through the front windshield of the taxi. The driver was apparently hit, because the taxi swerved off the road and crashed into a tree.  
  
The Baudelaires gasped in shock.  
  
"I'm sorry if that frightened you," said Mr. Poe. "I suppose you were worried I'd hit you by accident? I'm an excellent shot. I used to be in the military years ago, you know."  
  
"I... I just never imagined you would do something like that," said Violet. "You're not really taking us to the police, are you?"  
  
"As a matter of fact, I'm taking you to see an old friend," said Mr. Poe.  
  
"Count Olaf!" gasped Klaus. "You're with the evil faction of the VFD!"  
  
"You'll wish it were Count Olaf," said Mr. Poe. "It's something much, much bigger than those two clownish factions. Sometimes they scare even me." He broke into another fit of coughing.  
  
The Baudelaire remembered what Captain Widdershins told them about enormous secrets and an evil they couldn't even imagine.  
  
"Casca!" cried Sunny.  
  
"I thought Sunny could speak intelligibly now, but she's still spouting the same baby talk. She said that same word to me once before," said Mr. Poe.  
  
"I know what she means," said Klaus, "because I know who killed Julius Caesar. One of them was named Casca. Like Brutus, he pretended to be a friend and betrayed Caesar."  
  
"That's an unfair comparison," said Mr. Poe. "I'm an honorable man. I admit I sent you into dreadful living situations a few times, and pretended not to recognize Count Olaf in his absurd disguises, but it was nothing personal; it was business. They paid me to do it."  
  
"What do they want with us?" demanded Violet.  
  
"The same thing everyone else wants. To unlock the secrets of the sugar bowl," Mr. Poe said.  
  
"We don't know where the sugar bowl is!" said Klaus.  
  
"But they do," said Poe. "In fact, they've got it!"  
  
The car sped off into the morning fog with the terribly worried Baudelaires. The tables of their lives had turned again... for the worse. 


	2. Chapter 1 of Book the 12th, Frying Pan

Chapter 1 of Book the 12th, "The Intractable Interrogator"  
  
Mr. Poe drove downtown and pulled into a dark, fishy-smelling alley. The Baudelaire children worried that they had gone out of the frying pan into the fire, which here means "going from a bad situation into a worse one," and has nothing to do with literal cooking.  
  
"Here we are, children," said Mr. Poe. "The back door of the Café Salmonella. Move along now. I've still got my revolver." He pushed the reluctant Baudelaires into the restaurant's kitchen.  
  
The Café Salmonella is only open for dinner, so the kitchen was deserted that that early hour. The children had once had dinner there, a dinner of nothing but salmon since that's all the Café serves. But they regretted that meal when they saw the filthy kitchen. The room stank of spoiled fish and old cooking oil, the counters were covered with flour and bits of food, and an opened box of soda straws had tipped over and spilled several loose straws onto the messy counter.  
  
"I've brought the children for you, sir," called Poe. As soon as he spoke, a man pushed open the door from the dining room, but the children couldn't see his face.  
  
"Thank you, Poe," the man said. "Your payment will be transferred to your account as usual."  
  
"Thank you, Mr. Squalor," said Poe. "It's not easy keeping up with my wife's expectations for the lifestyle of the Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs."  
  
"Jerome Squalor!" cried Klaus. "You're behind this? You're the J.S. who got the copy of the telegram and wrote the note to Mr. Poe? I never would have suspected you."  
  
Jerome Squalor entered the room with a cold, toothy smile. He no longer appeared to be the vague and agreeable foster father who had taken the children into his penthouse home on 667 Dark Avenue.  
  
"Yes and no. I am the J.S. who wrote the note to Mr. Poe. But I'm not the J.S. who received the telegram. That person will be joining us shortly with the sugar bowl."  
  
"What do you want with the sugar bowl?" asked Violet.  
  
"Since the day the V.F.D. was founded by Benjamin Franklin, many brilliant but misguided V.F.D. members have poured their genius into secret research and technology. The developed advanced species of trained reptiles, learned the languages of lions and eagles, and cultivated highly poisonous mushrooms. I'm part of an international business cartel that wishes to obtain this technology. With it in our grasp, world domination is a real possibility," said Jerome Squalor.  
  
"Sugar bowl?" asked Sunny.  
  
"You mean, what does the sugar bowl have to do with it? That sugar bowl is the master sugar bowl, containing copies of all the secrets and notes from the individual sugar bowls of all the V.F.D. members. It also has all their identities so we can blackmail them for more research."  
  
Just then there was a clatter from the front of the restaurant, and the sound of several voices speaking at once.  
  
"Here she is now," said Jerome Squalor.  
  
A woman entered the kitchen, triumphantly holding a sugar bowl in both hands. She gave Jerome Squalor a quick kiss on the cheek. For a moment the children didn't recognize her. She was dressed very differently from the last time they saw her -- in a wetsuit rather than a judge's robe.  
  
"Justice Strauss?" said Klaus. "You too?"  
  
"I'm not really a judge," said Justice Strauss, "The cartel pulled strings to get me forged credentials. Still, the title of Justice has proved useful, so I'm going to keep it for a while."  
  
"But, but you were so nice to us when Count Olaf was our guardian..." said Violet.  
  
"It was no coincidence that I was the neighbor of Count Olaf. I was watching him to learn V.F.D. secrets; I wasn't interested in stopping his schemes. But being nice to you didn't hurt me, and it paid off," said Justice Strauss.  
  
"Since then we've been watching you," said Jerome Squalor. "since you're important to both sides of the V.F.D.; Olaf wanted your fortune, and the other side no doubt wanted you as recruits. By putting you in one unfortunate situation after another, we tried to draw them out. The anti-Olaf faction hasn't dared to help you openly since they knew we were ready to pounce on any new information."  
  
"But then the novice V.F.D. agents Duncan and Isadora Quagmire slipped up," said Justice Strauss. "They helped you too openly at Prufrock. Knowing that the V.F.D. likes to recruit whole sets of three siblings, we tracked down their missing brother Quigley. I fooled him into thinking I was another V.F.D. agent."  
  
"That's where her record of being nice to you helped," put in Jerome.  
  
"And because Quigley trusted me, he sent me a copy of the coded telegram. That second poetry reference was too obscure to decode on short notice, but every child knows 'The Walrus and the Carpenter'. So I sent word to Jerome to get Poe to meet you at the Briny Beach," said Justice Strauss with an evil chuckle.  
  
"Quigley must have sent you the Verbal Fridge Dialog in the Valley of the Four Drafts, too," said Violet.  
  
"A Verbal Fridge Dialog? This is the first I've heard of it. I never got that message and probably couldn't have decoded it if I had. It doesn't matter now," said Strauss.  
  
"He pretended he didn't know about it," said Klaus.  
  
"He was pretending not to be a full Volunteer for security reasons in case someone was watching, but it was too late. He was already compromised and didn't know it," said Jerome.  
  
"Sugar bowl?" asked Sunny.  
  
"You mean, how did I get the sugar bowl?" said Strauss. "Quigley again. As soon as he got out of the Stricken Stream he got a message to me that the sugar bowl had been thrown into the stream. I worked out where it went using tidal charts. I took a fast seagoing vessel..."  
  
"Shaped like a question mark?" Violet interrupted.  
  
"Yes, we call it the Interrogator," said Strauss. "I sailed to the ruins of Anwhistle Aquatics and climbed down one of the passages to the Gorgonic Grotto. I snatched up the sugar bowl before you got there!" She chuckled again. "To top it off, I swam down another passage to the Queequeg and showed the sugar bowl to Captain Widdershins and Phil. I persuaded them I was a V.F.D. agent and that we had to get the sugar bowl to the V.F.D. as soon as possible. You know his motto.."  
  
"He or she who hesitates is lost," echoed Violet, Klaus, and Sunny.  
  
"I even managed to get rid of the note the Captain left for you without him noticing," said Strauss. "We wanted him here in case there are codes in the sugar bowl we can't crack."  
  
"And we wanted you children here because threatening you will help get him to talk without excessive arguments. You know how I hate to argue," said Jerome. "And now, it's time to open the sugar bowl! You do the honors, darling."  
  
"At last," said Justice Strauss, "The secrets of the V.F.D. are ours. All their technology, all their secrets, all their... sugar?"  
  
She poured out on the main kitchen table a pile of white cubical crystals.  
  
"Nooh!" screamed Justice Strauss in rage. "This has to be the right sugar bowl! I worked the location out perfectly from the tidal charts."  
  
"Are you sure they didn't get there first?" demanded Jerome.  
  
Justice Strauss glared at the children. "Did you take the real sugar bowl and replace it with a decoy? You must have!"  
  
"I'll make them talk!" said Jerome. There were three enormous wire baskets side-by-side above a vat of oil, used for frying hundreds of salmon at once. He grabbed each child, threw them each into a basket, and locked them in with padlocks. Then he turned on the heat under the oil.  
  
"Fricassee!" said Sunny in alarm.  
  
"While we're waiting for the oil to boil, I want to have a little talk with Captain Widdershins," said Justice Strauss. "I think he knows something about this decoy sugar bowl. The men are holding him down in the wine cellar."  
  
"I'll come with you," said Jerome Squalor grimly. "Keep an eye on the children while we're gone, Poe.  
  
The Baudelaires stared down into the vat as the oil began to heat under them. They realized that going from the fire into the frying pan was just as bad, or worse, than going from the frying pan into the fire... 


	3. Chapter 2 of Book the 12th, Salt Tablets

Chapter 2 of Book the 12th  
  
Mr. Poe paced the floor in front of the frying bins. "Dear me, I wasn't expecting them to do anything quite this dreadful. I'm not feeling at all well."  
  
"Then help us get out of here!" said Violet.  
  
"Oh no, I couldn't do that," said Poe. "They'd kill me. But the sight of you in there is making me queasy. I'll just go and lie down for a while on the seat of my car." He went out the back door to the alley.  
  
Left alone, children began to try to figure out what to do.  
  
"Those sugar crystals don't look right to me," said Klaus. "Sugar crystals aren't cubical. Salt crystals are."  
  
"We need to get a closer look at that 'sugar'. And I need to invent a tool to pick the locks. Let me think." Violet took off her hair ribbon. She was about to tie back her hair when she had a sudden thought.  
  
"If this ribbon had a bit of something sticky on the end, I could snag the loose straws on the counter," Violet said.  
  
"Gum" offered Sunny. She scraped the little bits of gum that had stuck to her teeth when she made the seal for the Queequeg's porthole. She passed it through the mesh to Klaus in the middle basket, who passed it to Violet.  
  
"Great Sunny, but if the ribbon doesn't have a bit of weight and stiffness at the end I won't be able to cast it," said Violet.  
  
"Ribbon tempura," said Sunny.  
  
"Excellent idea, Sunny," said Klaus. "Your cooking skills have come through again."  
  
Violet passed her hair ribbon through the wire mesh to Klaus, who passed it to Sunny.  
  
Sunny lowered the ribbon into the hot oil just enough to get it sticky, then flopped it through the mesh onto the counter beside her, which was dusty with flour. Then she lowered the ribbon into the hot oil again, producing a hair ribbon with a stiff, batter-fried end. Sunny passed the ribbon tempura through the mesh to Klaus, who passed it to Violet.  
  
Violet attached the gum and cast the batter-coated, gummed ribbon out toward the straws. Soon she had captured all the loose straws that were close enough.  
Violet fastened several straws together end to end, sealing them with bits of the gum. The combined straws were long enough to reach the kitchen table.  
  
"Here, Klaus. You're closest to the table. Inhale through the straw and draw in some of the salt. Not too much, just enough to get it into the straw. Then tilt the straw up and let the salt slide down to you."  
  
Klaus did as Violet asked. He got some of the salt and looked at it closely.  
  
"Many of the salt cubes are glued together on their edges to form miniature tablets. I'm used to reading very fine print, and I think I can see tiny letters engraved in the salt. I think I can see the word 'OLAF' on this one," said Klaus. "But I can't read the rest."  
  
"Klaus, if we used both lenses of your glasses together we could make a magnifying glass, Violet said.  
  
"But if I take my lenses out, I won't be able to see to read," said Klaus.  
  
"Pass your glasses and the OLAF salt tablet to me, and I'll try to read it. I'll give you the glasses back when I'm done." Violet carefully popped out one lens from the wire frame and put it together with the other. With the two lenses combined she could read the letters clearly.  
  
Violet read: "NAME: OLAF SNICKET, AKA COUNT OLAF. SKILLS: ACTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE, WORLD'S MOST HANDSOME MAN."  
  
"He wrote this himself, obviously," she commented.  
  
"RELATIVES IN THE V.F.D.: MY BROTHER MORT AND SISTER NATASHA (BUT THEY WILL KILL ANYONE WHO DOESN'T CALL THEM THE WOMAN WITH HAIR AND NO BEARD AND THE MAN WITH A BEARD AND NO HAIR, RESPECTIVELY)."  
  
"So the Woman is a man and the Man is a woman?" said Klaus.  
  
"Transvest," said Sunny.  
  
"Apparently so," said Violet. "I noticed the Woman had a deep voice and the Man a high-pitched one."  
  
"ONE MORE RELATIVE: A STUPID 4TH COUSIN TWICE REMOVED NAMED LEMONY SNICKET. NOTE TO SELF: GET REVENGE ON HIM FOR HIS BAD THEATER REVIEW OF ME."  
  
"Count Olaf is our 4th cousin three times removed," said Klaus. "So maybe we're related to Lemony Snicket, too."  
  
"GOALS: NOW THAT I CONTROL THE MASTER SUGAR BOWL, I'LL FORCE A SCHISM IN THE V.F.D.. I WANT TO SET FIRES FOR FUN AND PROFIT INSTEAD OF PUTTING THEM OUT. I'LL BURN THE HOMES OF MY ENEMIES, AND MY ENEMIES THEMSELVES. I'LL BURN THE BAUDELAIRES, QUAGMIRES, AND THE VALOROUS FARMS DAIRY. AND I'LL PUT THE BLAME ON MY LOOK-ALIKE RELATIVE LEMONY SNICKET."  
  
"He must have had control of the sugar bowl at one time. He didn't expect to loose it again and have someone read this," said Klaus.  
  
"This is evidence that could put Count Olaf in jail," said Violet. "I want to keep this one." She put the salt carefully into her pocket. Then she put Klaus's glasses back together and gave them back to him.  
  
"We have to keep the other secrets from falling into the hands of the cartel," said Klaus.  
  
"Gormandize!" said Sunny.  
  
"Sunny's right," said Violet. "Klaus, you have to eat the rest of the salt."  
  
"All that salt?" said Klaus. "I don't think I can."  
  
"Suck it into the straw, and we'll help you eat it." said Violet. "In between times, I'll try to bend this last straw into a lock pick.  
  
They took turns eating straw-fulls of salt until it was all consumed. They felt a little thirsty and sick, but satisfied at denying their enemies the secrets of the V.F.D..  
  
"That was important to do," said Klaus, "but it doesn't get us out of here."  
  
"I know," said Violet. "I'm not having much luck picking the lock yet. The heat is making my hands slippery with sweat."  
  
Just then, Mr. Poe came in, "Well now, I feel better after a little nap."  
  
The children hastily hid the straws behind their backs. They couldn't try anything more with Mr. Poe watching.  
  
A short time later, Justice Strauss and Jerome Squalor came bursting in.  
  
"Hah!" said Strauss, "We finally got Captain Widdershins to talk by threatening to boil you in oil! He admitted that the secrets are engraved on salt crystals in the sugar bowl."  
  
"But what happened to the salt?" asked Jerome, staring at the empty table.  
  
"We ate it!" said Violet triumphantly.  
  
"Mr. Poe, you were supposed to be watching them," said Justice Strauss. "What happened?"  
  
"N-nothing... I was here the whole time.." said Mr. Poe weakly. "M-maybe it just blew away."  
  
"I don't want to argue with you, but you're lying," said Jerome. He reached into his coat pocket. The instant he did this, Poe went for the gun in his top hat. But Justice Strauss acted even faster. She kicked Mr. Poe in the groin, and when he was doubled up in pain, she grabbed the hat away and got his gun.  
  
"Please," said Poe, "I have a wife and children. And think of the orphans... who will take care of them if I'm not the Vice President in Charge of Orphan Affairs?"  
  
"Oh, you take great care of orphans, don't you?" said Justice Strauss sarcastically. She shot Poe with his own gun.  
  
"Now for you brats," said Jerome. He snatched up a kitchen knife. "Justice, I think we should cut them open and see if any salt crystals are still undissolved in their stomachs!" 


	4. Chapter 3 of Book the 12th, Dark Side

Chapter 3 of Book the 12th  
  
Justice Strauss moved between Jerome Squalor and the children. "No, Jerome," she said. "Cutting them open would be useless. And even though I'd enjoy seeing them boiled in oil for their little trick, they're more useful alive. Look how threatening them made Widdershins talk." She turned off the heat under the oil vat. "Now give me the keys and I'll let them out."  
  
"Degacnu!" said Sunny as soon as she was released, which meant, "I'm glad to get out of that hot, cramped fryer."  
  
Violet, Klaus, and Sunny stretched their arms and legs. But they knew this was only a temporary reprieve. Their lives would be in constant danger as long as they were in the hands of these ruthless people.  
  
Jerome continued to scowl. "The cartel isn't going to be happy that we lost the sugar bowl secrets."  
  
"I know," Strauss said, "That's why we have to regroup our forces and hit the V.F.D. hard. We'll compel them give us the secrets. First, we need to get Bruce back. He was captured by Count Olaf's side of the V.F.D.."  
  
"Bruce works for you?" asked Klaus. "Quigley suspected him. He said Bruce had learned too many of the V.F.D.'s secrets."  
  
"Bruce nearly got Montgomery Montgomery's whole collection of trained reptiles for us," said Strauss. "But then Count Olaf showed up in disguise and said he was another employee of the cartel who had orders to move the reptiles to a safer place. Bruce fell for it and he lost all the reptiles to Olaf except for a winged toad that got away during the transfer."  
  
"If he's that incompetent, why bother rescuing him?" asked Squalor.  
  
"Because Bruce has the trust of the Snow Scouts. Most of their parents are in the V.F.D.. We can brainwash the children and recruit them as spies," said Strauss.  
  
"They'd never spy on their parents!" said Violet indignantly.  
  
"It worked for an earlier generation of Snow Scouts. Fernald Widdershins became our agent because of his recruitment by Bruce," said Strauss.  
  
"Fernald is your agent, too?" Violet asked. She shuddered as she thought of the hook-handed man and all the terrible things he had done for Count Olaf, and how he had said there was no right side of the V.F.D..  
  
"Fernald blamed the V.F.D. for the loss of his hands in a Volunteer Feline Detective feeding accident," said Strauss. "He also hated that Gorgonic Grotto was being used for poisonous mushrooms, so he attacked and destroyed Anwhistle Aquatics. Because of that, he was kicked out of one faction of the V.F.D. and went to the other. But he also sends us information."  
  
"What about Fiona?" asked Klaus.  
  
"Fernald has managed to confuse the loyalties of his sister. Soon she'll be on our side, too."  
  
"Never!" cried Klaus.  
  
"You can't do anything about it," said Squalor. "Your job is to be a hostage until we don't need you anymore."  
  
"Well put, Jerome," said Strauss. "Let's get all our hostages together and get to the Interrogator. We have a lot of work to do."  
  
"Mizu?" asked Sunny.  
  
"She's asking for water," said Klaus. "We're all very thirsty."  
  
"No. It's only justice that you suffer for eating that salt," said Strauss.  
  
"We won't be much good as hostages if we die of thirst," said Violet.  
  
"It takes a long time to die of thirst," said Squalor darkly.  
  
Justice Strauss left the kitchen and called down to the men in the wine cellar. Two armed thugs came up, looking very dangerous in spite of being dressed in Cafe Salmonella salmon-waiter costumes. With them were two men, both looking badly beaten-up.  
  
"Captain Widdershins!" called Klaus. "Are you all right?"  
  
"Abandon ship! Aye! Abandon all hope! Aye! No, chin up! No, run for your lives! Aye! He or she who hesitates is lost! We're doomed! Aye!" said Widdershins.  
  
"Shut up!" said one of the thugs, cuffing Widdershins on the head.  
  
"I'm just fine," said the optimist Phil, "Adventures like these make an interesting change from monotony at sea, don't you think?"  
  
"Shut up!" said the other thug, cuffing Phil on the head.  
  
"Make the prisoners take the body," said Jerome, pointing to the body of Poe on the floor. "Even though everyone at the Café Salmonella works for the cartel, I don't want gossip to get out. We'll dispose of the body at sea."  
  
Captain Widdershins and Phil were forced to drag the heavy body of Mr. Poe, each holding one arm.  
  
"Why would the cartel run a restaurant?" asked Klaus.  
  
"To study and kill V.F.D.-trained salmon" said the first thug. "Now shut up and get moving!" He cuffed Klaus on the head.  
  
"We'll go by secret passage to avoid attracting attention," said Squalor. He lifted a large tile in front of the kitchen sink, revealing a trap door.  
  
Everyone marched down the long, lightless tunnel.  
  
"I had this tunnel dug from here to 667 Dark Avenue so I could get back and forth without being seen," said Jerome Squalor.  
  
"Esmé?" asked Sunny.  
  
"No, of course Esmé didn't know about it. That stupid woman! I'm glad she went back to her boyfriend. It wasn't a marriage for love, anyway. She married me to get access to the ersatz elevator passage. I married her to learn more about the sugar bowl. It made for a fast courtship. We were married after only one evening together."  
  
"I'm still a little jealous," said Justice Strauss. "I'm not sure you learned enough from her to make it worthwhile to marry her."  
  
"I got a good deal of information about the sugar bowl," said Jerome. "I learned how the V.F.D. lost control of it to Count Olaf years ago, and how they got it back. Olaf started betraying the locations of their secret headquarters, one after another, so they were compelled to move. With all the packing and unpacking, eventually the sugar bowl was left unguarded in a box so Olaf could grab it. He used it to find like-minded V.F.D. members who wanted to take a more active, fight-fire-with-fire role in the world. He issued demands to the V.F.D. that forced a schism in their ranks."  
  
"And how did they get it back?" asked Strauss."You never told me the whole story."  
  
"Count Olaf foolishly lent the sugar bowl to Esmé to please her. While she had it, two V.F.D. agents tricked her. Beatrice Dante got herself invited to tea with Esmé and distracted her while her finaceé Lemony Snicket, disguised as Count Olaf disguised as a sideboard, sneaked in and stole the sugar bowl."  
  
"Of course, Lemony Snicket!" said Justice Strauss. "I've been on the trail of that man myself. Count Olaf framed him for arson and he was forced to fake his own death and go on the run. I wrote him a letter pretending to be agent R, the Duchess of Winnipeg. I was hoping he would reply and let slip some information. To my great embarrassment, it was published in his unauthorized autobiography with notes about how I had gotten the codes wrong."  
  
"The point at which Snicket disappeared is when the trail of the sugar bowl got confused," said Squalor. "The V.F.D. passed it from place to place, hand to hand, sometimes losing track of it altogether."  
  
"Finally, we got our hands on it. And then these little brats ate the secrets!" said Strauss.  
  
"Remind me to take a really gruesome revenge on them when we don't need them anymore," said Squalor.  
  
"I will," said Strauss, in a voice that caused cold shivers up the spines of the Baudelaires.  
  
"Here we are at last," said Squalor. "Home Sweet 667 Dark Avenue. The passage comes out in the doorman's office. It was perfect because Esmé believed the doorman, Fernald, was on her side when he was secretly working for us. I've had the elevator repaired since Esmé left, so we don't have to walk up 66 floors any more."  
  
The group crowded into the elevator and rode to the penthouse floor. Instead of going down the hall to the penthouse, Jerome Squalor pressed the button of the ersatz elevator to open the empty shaft. The children gasped. Was he going to throw them down like Esmé had done? But Jerome pressed another button just inside the door and a rope ladder descended from the top of the shaft.  
  
"We climb here," he announced. "There's another room above the penthouse that was once a secret V.F.D. hideout. I've converted it into a hanger for a stealth aircraft."  
  
The prisoners were forced up the rope ladder. Phil and Captain Widdershins had great difficulty climbing the rope ladder carrying Poe's body, but they managed. The Baudelaires had no trouble climbing at all -- Sunny had once climbed this same shaft using only her teeth.  
  
The floor above the penthouse was nearly filled with a huge, sleek jet plane. Its surface was so reflective that, by reflecting the walls around itself, it was practically invisible. It was beautiful but also terrifying to the Baudelaires.  
  
The villains pushed the prisoners into the back cabin of the plane and locked them in. Through the windows they saw a wall slide back, and the plane shot out into the foggy air, its engines making almost no noise.  
  
"We'll get out of the City without being seen by blending into the morning fog," said Squalor over the loudspeaker. "Next stop, the Interrogator." 


	5. Chapter 4 of Book the 12th, Plane Talk

Chapter 4 of Book the 12th  
  
Now that the captives were alone together in the back of the jet, the Baudelaires looked around for anything they could use as a tool. There was nothing. The airplane seats were bolted down, and the floor was clear of any loose objects.  
  
Violet wanted to take the opportunity to ask the Captain a few questions.  
  
"Captain, is..." Violet began.  
  
"Sssh!" said Sunny. She indicated with a jerk of her head the corner of the room. Up in the corner, a video camera and directional microphone was aimed at them.  
  
Violet stopped, frustrated. If only there was a way... Then she remembered the time she kissed Quigley on a ledge of the slippery slope. Quigley had told her about waiting three days inside a snowman for them to respond to the coded message in 'Zombies in the Snow'. He had explained the Sebald code to her. It started with ringing a bell, then skipped ten words of padding between each real word of message. Did the Captain know the code?  
  
"Captain, did you ever see 'Zombies in the Snow'?" she asked.  
  
Klaus and Sunny looked at her strangely, but it seemed a harmless topic so they didn't interrupt.  
  
"Aye, I've seen movies of that sort" said Captain Widdershins, with a wink.  
  
"I remember the village elders were always ringing a bell.  
  
Is  
  
it not interesting that one looked a little bit like  
  
Fernald  
  
and another looked like Fiona will in a few years?  
  
A  
  
terrible zombie in one scene even looked like that awful  
  
traitor  
  
Count Olaf, don't you think so Captain Widdershins, or not?" Violet asked carefully.  
  
"Aye," said the Captain.  
  
While Violet was asking more coded questions like "Is this the evil you mentioned?" ("Aye") and "Did you suspect the Justice?" ("No"), the camera seemed to be aimed at her.  
  
Sunny took the opportunity to crawl beneath the seats and start biting open the coverings of the cushions. She chewed out pieces of seat-cushion foam and passed them to Klaus.  
  
"Floatation," she whispered. Sunny and Klaus stuffed the pocket of the Herman Melville diving suit he was still wearing.  
  
The plane flight didn't take long. When it felt like they were starting to land, Violet said "I guess the bell is ringing and recess is over." That ended the code.  
  
Jerome Squalor opened the door. "Everybody out. This is the Gulag Archipelago, our air/sea base."  
  
The captive stepped out onto a bleak, rocky surface surrounded by the sea. Dozens of other islands, all equally bleak, stretched out in a line with this one on either side.  
  
Justice Strauss produced a whistle and blew a series of eerie, high-pitched notes. There was a loud gurgle and up from the depths came a creature the children had never imagined in their nightmares. An enormous bloodshot eye glared at them from the edge of a blackened, pitted shell the size of a house. Thick, slimy tentacles reached from beside the eye and seemed to go on for a mile. It smelled like something dead.  
  
"It's bio-engineered," said Justice Strauss. "The V.F.D. are not the only ones with advanced technology."  
  
"Calimari," Sunny said.  
  
"A giant chambered nautilus," said Klaus.  
  
"We'd have called it 'The Nautilus'," said Jerome, "but the name was taken. Since it looks like a question mark as it swims, we call it 'The Interrogator'."  
  
"It's wonderful for destroying enemy ships," said the Justice. "It's absolutely intractable. That means it's stubborn and it never gives up squeezing until its enemies are crushed."  
  
The two waiter-thugs opened a hatch carved into the shell. The captives were forced inside. It was roomy and dry, but it still had an uncanny fishlike stench. There was a room with blinking lights and control panels to one side, but the captives were pushed down a dark passage in the other direction.  
  
"I think you were up to mischief on the plane, maybe talking in code" said Strauss. "So I'm going to put you into the special Holding Cell."  
  
It was certainly a Holding Cell. The instant they were inside, bio-engineered tentacles seized them and pulled them against the wall. Tentacles even covered their mouths, preventing them from talking.  
  
As the bio-engineered creature/vessel dove beneath the waves, the Baudelaires felt a helpless horror worse than any they had experienced before. They were truly in the belly of the beast. 


	6. Chapter 5 of Book the 12th, Ship Shake

Chapter 5 of Book the 12th  
  
After what seemed like hours in the darkness and slime of the Holding Cell, the Baudelaires blinked in the sudden brightness when the door opened. Justice Strauss shouted out words of command in some strange language and the tentacles let them go.  
  
"Baudelaires, come out," she ordered. "You men, stay behind."  
  
"Thank you for the opportunity to see such fascinating marine life close up," called Phil, before the tentacles grabbed him again.  
  
Justice Strauss brought the children to the command room. Sonar screens were blinking but there was no sign of another vessel close by.  
  
"Tell us, where was Count Olaf's vessel when you saw it last?" said Jerome Squalor, holding up an ocean map.  
  
"Why should we help you?" said Klaus.  
  
"You need to stay useful to us. We don't necessarily need all three of you as hostages," said Squalor.  
  
"All right," said Klaus, pointing to a spot on the ocean map. "It was about there. But they said they were going to the Hotel Denouement to burn it down."  
  
"Fernald radioed us that Count Olaf got a telegram soon after you escaped; it informed him that the cabal had the sugar bowl. That scared Olaf badly. He decided to stay at sea and keep a low profile for a while," said Strauss.  
  
"Why didn't Fernald tell you where they were?" asked Violet.  
  
"He would have, but the transmission was interrupted suddenly," said Strauss.  
  
"What do you want with Count Olaf's vessel, anyway?" asked Klaus.  
  
"We're going to board it," said the Justice. "Our man Bruce is being held there, according to the report from Fernald."  
  
"What are you going to do?" asked Violet.  
  
"Rescue the Snow Scouts, Fernald, Fiona, and Bruce. And of course we'll kill Count Olaf, kill everyone else working for him, and sink his ship," said Strauss. "Nobody messes with our agents."  
  
"Now be quiet or we'll put you back in the Holding Cell," said Squalor.  
  
They sailed along in silence for a while, with Jerome punching buttons to control the nervous system of the giant nautilus as it searched for the enemy mechanical octopus.  
  
"By the way," said Justice Strauss to Jerome Squalor, "Whatever happened to Beatrice Dante? We ought to track her down. She might lead us to Lemony Snicket."  
  
"I thought of that," said Jerome, "But it's too late. After Lemony went on the run Beatrice ended up marrying someone else and raising a family. But Olaf and Esmé found her in her new life. One afternoon they set fire to her house and killed her. It's the only time I know of where one of Olaf's fires killed only one member of a family."  
  
"Oh well, it was just a thought," said the Justice.  
  
The Baudelaires felt sad. This was one more bit of evidence that neither of their parents had survived the fire.  
  
Just then there was a ping on the sonar. "Aha, we're found it!" said Squalor. He pressed buttons to cause the Interrogator to race forward and seize the other vessel in its intractable tentacles.  
  
"Now, we board," said Strauss. "Violet and Klaus, you're coming with us because you've been aboard and you know the layout. Sunny will stay here with one of the men as a hostage, so don't try anything."  
  
"Shiver me timbers," Sunny cried.  
  
"No, Sunny, you can't be a pirate along with us. We'll be back soon," said Klaus.  
  
Strauss, Squalor, and the second thug led them downstairs to the lower part of the shell where there was an airlock and a motorized boarding pod that looked like a giant clam.  
  
"Tell us how to get in, brat," ordered the thug beside Klaus.  
  
"Go for the hole in the middle of the metal tentacles," said Klaus. "It's the octopus mouth that leads inside."  
  
"What a pathetic imitation of our fantastic vessel," said Strauss. "This faction of the V.F.D. has really gone downhill, technology-wise."  
  
The boarding-clam shot down the tube painted with eyes, passing briefly through the room where the Snow Scouts were forced to row, and ending at the metal dock where Count Olaf had greeted the Baudelaires with hoots of laughter.  
  
There's a saying that "He or she who laughs last, laughs best," which doesn't mean that their laughter is of greater volume or quantity, but that whoever ends up on top of a situation enjoys it the most. Strauss and Squalor were the ones laughing last at this point, and their laughs were not full of the silly syllables Count Olaf had affected in his.  
  
"Hahahaha," laughed Jerome Squalor. "We're in."  
  
"Heeheeheehee," laughed Judge Strauss, "Now which way to the brig?"  
  
"Along this passage. We'll pass the room with the Snow Scouts, then got down a twisty corridor to the brig," said Violet, "But we didn't see Bruce the last time we were here."  
  
"We'll find him," said Strauss.  
  
As they passed through the rowing room they saw no sign of Carmelita Spats or any of Olaf's other henchpersons. The Snow Scouts sat chained to the benches, looking very tired and miserable.  
  
"Quiet, Snow Scouts, we're here to rescue you," called Justice Strauss in her most pleasant manner. She nudged Violet with a sharp elbow and whispered, "Say something reassuring!"  
  
"Better do what they say," Violet said, "And you won't get hu-" breaking off suddenly when Strauss gave her another sharp nudge in the ribs. The Scouts smiled and waved them on.  
  
Jerome and the salmon-waiter thug broke down the door to the brig with a crash. Inside were Fernald and Fiona.  
  
"Klaus!" cried Fiona, almost running to him, but Klaus frowned and waved her back. Who knew what the two J.S's would do to her if they knew she was his friend?  
  
"Good to see you, Boss," said the hook-handed man to Jerome Squalor. "I'm glad you got here. Count Olaf caught me using the radio to report to you, and he threw Fiona and me in here."  
  
"Where's Bruce?" asked Strauss.  
  
"Through there," said Fernald, pointing with a hook to an inner door. They quickly broke down the other door and found Bruce.  
  
"Thanks for the rescue, Jerome and Justine," said Bruce. "I hated being kept quarantined in there, even though Snow Scouts are accommodating, basic,...er, kept and quarantined." It seemed as though he would have liked to recite the whole Snow Scout pledge, but Jerome make him cut it short with a hard stare.  
  
"So, where are Olaf and his associates?" asked Jerome.  
  
"They would have barricaded themselves in the secure inner part of the vessel at the first sign of trouble," said Fernald. "I'll show you where it is."  
  
"What a turncoat," whispered Violet to Klaus. Klaus nodded back.  
  
The group moved through branching corridors to a heavy metal door like the one on the brig. Jerome and the salmon thug pounded on it, but it wouldn't budge.  
  
"Open up, Olaf," said Jerome. "The game's over."  
  
"I bin not Olaf, I bin the janitor," came a voice from the other side of the door. Then the voice gave a nervous laugh, "Heh heh heh dumkoft."  
  
"Enough with the phony accent, Olaf. I'd recognize that laugh full of silly syllables anywhere," said Strauss. She laughed. "Heeheeheeheehee."  
  
"Jerome, darling, is that you out there?" called Esmé, "Please rescue me. I've been kidnapped by this horrible man! I don't think crime is 'in' any more." She also laughed nervously, "Heh heh heh heh helpmate."  
  
"Crime is 'in' for me now," said Jerome, "I don't like to argue, so consider this a divorce." He also laughed. "Hahahahahah."  
  
No answering laughs came from behind the door. Those who has laughed last, laughed best.  
  
Klaus and Violet had lagged furthest behind in the corridor. While everyone else concentrated their attention on the locked door, they looked around for anything that might be helpful. They ducked into a side passage and found a frilly pink bedroom.  
  
Behind the bed, in a bedraggled frilly pink tutu, with an enormous pink crown on her head and two pink wings taped to her back, was crouched a frightened but angry young girl.  
  
"What are you cakesniffers doing here?" Carmelita Spats demanded. 


	7. Chapter 6 of book the 12th, Mother Load

Chapter 6 of Book the 12th  
  
"Carmelita!" said Klaus. "You're in terrible danger. The ship has been invaded by enemies of Count Olaf and they're after everyone who worked with him!"  
  
"You think I don't know that?" said Carmelita. "You two are enemies, too. You want to see me destroyed, admit it!"  
  
"We don't," said Violet. "You're about our age. You deserve a chance to get out of this."  
  
It was true. As hateful and horrible as Carmelita had been, Violet and Klaus didn't want to her to die.  
  
"You've got one chance," said Klaus. "Change out of that costume and blend in with the other Snow Scouts. Then you'll be rescued along with them."  
  
"And stop being a special adorable tap-dancing fairy princess veterinarian? I'd rather die!" said Carmelita. "I'm not giving up on Olaf and Esmé. They buy me pretty things and tell me I'm the wonderful marshmallow in the middle of their lives. They'll beat your dumb invaders, you'll see. Then you'll be sorry."  
  
"Don't you want to see your mother and father again?" asked Violet.  
  
"You're just like that creepy librarian at Prufrock, asking me if I was good to my mother. That makes me very angry. My mother is dead," said Carmelita.  
  
"I'm sorry. We lost our mother, too," said Klaus.  
  
"I'm not a cakesniffing orphan like you. My Daddy lets me have everything I want and tells me I'm the most adorable, smartest girl in the world. I am. Even if my mother went and died in a fire and left me and Daddy all alone," said Carmelita.  
  
Klaus remembered what Jerome Squalor had said about the only time Olaf's fires had killed one member of a family.  
  
"I know your mother's name before she married your father," said Klaus. "She was Beatrice Dante."  
  
"That shows what you know. She was Beatrice Widdershins!" snapped Carmelita.  
  
Klaus and Violet's mouths dropped open. Klaus recovered first.  
  
"Right," said Klaus. "This is what happened. First she was Beatrice Dante. Then she married someone and had two children; that marriage didn't last. Then she married Captain Widdershins. Something went terribly wrong and she faked her own death in a manatee accident. Then she met your father and had you."  
  
Carmelita's mouth dropped open, "You DO know!"  
  
"I'll tell you something about her you don't know," said Klaus. "Your mother did a very brave thing -- she helped get back something Count Olaf and Esmé stole. They set a fire and killed her because of that. You don't want to stay with them."  
  
"They abandoned you and hid," Violet added. "They don't really care about you."  
  
Carmelita gasped and began sobbing into the bed. Just then, Fernald entered the room. He had a blowtorch and crowbars in his hooks.  
  
"What have we here?" he said. "I was just coming back with tools to work on the door and I heard voices in here. I see you found little Carmelita. She should share the fate of Olaf and Esmé."  
  
"No, Fernald, she shouldn't," said Violet.  
  
"Why not? She deserves it for that tap-dancing alone," said Fernald.  
  
"For one thing, she's your half sister," said Klaus. He explained what they had just found out about Beatrice Dante and her families.  
  
(Forgive my pause for a moment for tears. Beatrice was very dear to me. To lose her to others, and then to death... the memory still overwhelms me. L.S.)  
  
"My mother faked her death?" Fernald said. "I think I know why. I'll tell you some other time. Captain Widdershins has a lot to answer for."  
  
"Fernald, you said Widdershins isn't your real last name. What is?" asked Violet.  
  
"Snicket," said Fernald.  
  
Klaus and Violet's mouths dropped open again.  
  
"Lemony Snicket married Beatrice after all?" asked Klaus.  
  
"No, it was Jacques," said Fernald. "I don't want to talk about that now. I got along with my real father even worse than I did with Widdershins."  
  
"Oh," said Violet.  
  
"All right, do what you can to rescue Carmelita," Fernald said. "I've got to get back to the others with these tools." He walked off, muttering, "Now I've got a brat for a little sister. Why me?"  
  
Violet shook Carmelita gently by the shoulders. "Come on, Carmelita, you need to change clothes. "Klaus, go in that side room for a moment, okay?"  
  
Klaus did, and a moment later he called, "Violet, do you know what's in here? There's a bathroom, and a sink with fresh running..."  
  
"WATER!" cried Violet, and she rushed in. They had had nothing to drink for hours after eating all that salt, and their bodies were desperate for water. It was the best they had ever tasted.  
  
"What about Sunny?" Violet asked after both had drunk their fill.  
  
"I have airplane seat-cushion material in my pocket that we can use as sponges," Klaus said.  
  
Violet took the commonplace book from Klaus and put it in her own pocket to keep dry. They filled all the sponge-like seat foam in Klaus's pocket with water to take back to Sunny.  
  
When they emerged from the bathroom, Carmelita was dressed in her old clothes. She looked scared and a little humbled (but not much). Violet picked up a pink wing to use as a decoy.  
  
They took Carmelita down the corridor to the room with the Snow Scouts. There was a hiss from the captives when they saw who was with them.  
  
"Snow Scouts," said Klaus, "We're rescuing you, right? So we have a big favor to ask of you. Let Carmelita be one of you again and don't give her away."  
  
"Booh! No, she's with Olaf! She tortured us with tap dancing and singing!" said various Snow Scouts.  
  
Carmelita opened her mouth and Violet knew she was about to say something rude. She twisted Carmelita's arm behind her back. "Carmelita is sorry... aren't you Carmelita?"  
  
"Oww! Yow! Okay, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!" said Carmelita.  
  
Klaus said, "Look, we know these rescuers and you don't. They're a tough bunch. So you'd better do what we say. If anyone says Carmelita was with Olaf, we'll say you were with Olaf, too."  
  
The Snow Scouts grumbled but agreed. They let Carmelita be chained to one of the rowing benches alongside her former captive audience.  
  
Violet threw the pink wing into the water channel. "If anyone asks, say the girl who worked for Olaf jumped into the water to get away and you think she drowned."  
  
As the Baudelaires moved down the corridor away from the rowing room, they heard sharp cries of pain from Carmelita.  
  
"I think they're pinching her," said Violet.  
  
"Well, she deserves that," said Klaus.  
  
They rejoined the group at the door just in time. The J.S. gang had not been able to break into the secure door behind which Olaf and Esmé were hiding. Now they were welding it shut instead.  
  
"If they want to stay in there, let them stay in there," said Justice Strauss. "Let's get everyone we want to rescue out of here."  
  
Using the boarding clam, the Baudelaires, Bruce, Fiona, Fernald, and all the former Snow Scout prisoners (including Carmelita) were ferried back to the Interrogator and placed in a far more pleasant chamber than the Holding Cell. The villains wished to win these children over as spies, so they treated them kindly. Violet, Klaus, and Sunny looked on sadly as Bruce led the Snow Scouts in a cheer for their "heroic rescuers."  
  
The Baudelaires were taken back to the bridge to watch the view screen.  
  
"Now you'll see what the Interrogator can do," said Jerome proudly.  
  
The tentacles of the Interrogator wrapped around the entire octopus submarine. With inexorable force, it squeezed the enemy vessel into a ball of metal the size of a compact car, then let it drop down to the ocean floor.  
  
"Scrunch!" said Sunny.  
  
"Maybe Count Olaf and Esmé got out some back way," whispered Klaus to the others. "Maybe we'll see them again someday."  
  
But as far as I know, they never did. 


	8. Chapter 7 of Book the 12th, Ayes Have It

Chapter 7 of Book the 12th 

On the bridge, the Baudelaires, Justice Strauss, Jerome Squalor, Fernald, and Fiona watched the view screen until the crushing of the Carmelita was complete.

"Now it's time for you Baudelaire brats to go back in the Holding Cell," said Justice Strauss. "We don't need you as bargaining chips until the big meeting tomorrow at the Hotel Denouement."

"Tomorrow?" asked Violet, "I thought today was Tuesday and the meeting was Thursday."

"You were in the Holding Cell longer than you thought," said Strauss. "Most of Tuesday and half of Wednesday. The room is designed to release knockout gas."

Violet and Klaus were dismayed. They hadn't yet had a chance to give any water to Sunny. Unless they did she might not make it.

"Just a minute," said Fernald. "The Snow Scouts saw them in the raid. It helped to win their trust. If the brats just disappear, it'll raise questions."

"It'll raise even more if they blab to the scouts," objected Squalor.

"I'll take responsibility that they don't," said Fernald grimly.

"All right, but be careful. They can be devious," said the Justice.

Fernald started to lead the children out, then turned at the door. "I'd really like to talk to Widdershins too. Maybe I can persuade him to be more co-operative."

"You're taking on a bit much with a volatile prisoner like that," said Squalor. "If any of them gives you trouble, signal to our two men standing guard at the door and they'll take them back to the Holding Cell." He handed Fernald a silent alarm device.

The large room where the Snow Scouts were being kept was half a dining area full of tables and chairs, half a sleeping area full of bunk beds. The scouts had all gone to sleep in the latter half, exhausted from the hard day. It was clear that Fernald had made up the excuse to keep the Baudelaires free.

"Thank you for speaking up for us," said Klaus.

"I had my reasons," said Fernald.

The Baudelaires and the Widdershins sat at one table. Captain Widdershins was still a bit groggy from his long stint under the knockout gas; he sat there staring into space. Sunny sat at Klaus's feet; Klaus removed sponges from his pocket and squeezed them into her mouth as the others talked.

"Would you explain something about the Hotel Denouement?" asked Violet. "I've heard both sides say they're going there. Why is it called the 'Last Safe Place'?"

"It's called the 'Last Safe Place' because it's the only place both sides are safe from each other," Fiona answered. "It's a truce meeting we have every five years. Each side tries to persuade the other to see things their way and rejoin."

"Like that'll ever happen," said Fernald. "There's too much anger on both sides. But it was a condition of the original schism and now it's a tradition."

"Why did you say there's no wrong side of the V.F.D.?" Klaus asked. "One side has treated us horribly and the other side tried to help us."

"There's a side that's better for you, personally," said Fernald. "Olaf's side is after your fortune. Your parent's side just wants to recruit you. But as far as what they do in the world, there's not much to choose between them."

"Our side puts out fires..." said Fiona.

"They make the world quieter. That includes trying to stop trouble before it happens, assassinating troublemakers. Their motto, 'The world is quiet here', is from a poem about death," said Fernald.

"B-but the other side fights fire with fire," said Violet.

"That can have a good side, too -- encouraging small conflicts before stresses lead to full-scale war," Fernald said. "Ever hear of firefighters setting a fire to stop a fire?"

"A firebreak," said Klaus.

"What about Lemony?" asked Fiona. "From what I've heard he's a good person and he's on the anti-Olaf side."

"Lemony's a bit strange in the head," said Fernald. "He'd like to think the V.F.D. is still noble and pure. But he's been on the run a long time and he doesn't have much influence."

"All in all though, I still think there are more good people on the quiet side of the V.F.D.," said Violet, thinking of Quigley, Duncan, and Isadora.

"I can prove things aren't so simple, right now," said Fernald. "Wake up, Widdershins, we have to talk!" He gave his stepfather a slap with the back of one hook.

"What? Aye? Fernald? Aye! It's you!" said Widdershins.

"Time to tell the truth, old man," said Fernald. "I didn't set the Anwhistle Aquatics fire -- you did!"

"Of course not! Aye! Only half true! Aye! A complete fabrication!" said the Captain.

"You admitted it yourself, Fernald! We heard you! Aye!" said Fiona.

"What I said was that I saw the smoke and that it was the saddest day of my life. Gregor Anwhistle was a good friend of mine."

"What about the newspaper article?" asked Klaus.

"You should know from your own experience that the Daily Punctilio is unreliable. Jacques Snicket wrote that story and he knew it was false -- because he helped my stepfather set the fire!"

"Why would they do that?" asked Violet.

"They wanted to stop the poisonous mushrooms without causing another schism. If they put the blame on a young hot-head then things would go on as normal."

"You have no proof! Aye! My word against yours! Aye! You've caught me! No, I mean you've got nothing on me!" said Widdershins.

"I've got new evidence," said Fernald. "I just found out my mother staged her death. That happened right after I was accused. She couldn't live with you any more and she was afraid of you, so she faked being eaten by manatees."

"Manatees are herbivorous!" said Klaus.

"I've always thought there was something fishy about that accident," said Fiona.  
"Still no proof! Aye! Pure speculation! Aye! Spot on!" said Widdershins.

"There's proof. If you want I can wake up a little girl over there who can tell you her mother's life history. Her mother's name was Beatrice Widdershins!"

"You don't have to wake her up," said Klaus. "What he says is true. Violet and I can vouch for it."

"It's true, Klaus? My mother faked her own death to get away from my stepfather?" asked Fiona. Klaus nodded.

Widdershins glared at them, momentarily at a loss for words.

"There's more," said Fernald. "The V.F.D. built a new submarine to catch and punish traitors. They used galley slaves to row it. The Carmelita, once known as The Octopus."

"Count Olaf said he stole it," said Violet, "but he never said who he stole it from."

"Jacques Snicket was the Captain, Kit Snicket designed it, and the Baudelaire parents financed it!" said Fernald. "I was caught and put on it, even though my father and stepfather knew I was innocent. You know how I lost my hands?"

"A Volunteer Feline Detectives feeding accident?" said Klaus.

"No, that's what I told the cabal, but it was really nerve damage from excessive rowing," said Fernald. "I didn't see a need to tell them family secrets."

"How did you get free?" asked Violet.

"One day, when it was docked, Count Olaf came aboard in disguise. He tricked the guard crew and Jacques into leaving the ship and then he had us all row away."

"Us all?" asked Sunny, who had finished her water and joined them at the table.

"You knew the others by description rather than name: a bald man with a large nose, two women who hid their acid stains from V.F.D. experiments with white powder, a large person who looked like both a man and a woman, and many more."

"Olaf's theater troupe!" said Klaus.

"Once we were freed the sub wasn't much use. We never had slave labor for it until recently. So we drove around committing crimes, living by our wits..."

"You've been pretty rotten," said Violet. "But I can almost understand now."

"How could you do such horrible things to Fernald?" Fiona asked Widdershins.

"We did what we did for the greater good! Aye! Or at least we thought so then. Aye, and I still do! He or she who hesitates is lost!" said Widdershins.

Fiona had tears in her eyes. "Stepfather, I never want to speak to you again!"

Widdershins rose to his feet in rage. "Traitorous spawn! Aye! Defilers of the purity of the V.F.D.! Aye! The world is quiet here!" He reached out his arms to try to strangle Fiona.

Fernald pushed the silent alarm. The two guards rushed in and grabbed Widdershins and dragged him out of the room. Fiona burst into tears and ran to the empty bunk bed in the furthest corner of the room.

Klaus followed her. He knelt down beside her and put his arm around her shoulder. "You'll be all right, Fiona. You'll be all right."

"Stay with me tonight, Klaus," she said. "I don't want to be alone. Aye?"

"Aye!" said Klaus.

And then... (but we should give them privacy just as we did for Quigley and Violet on the slippery slope).

Violet said to Fernald, "You told all this for Fiona's sake, didn't you? To get her to change sides."

"I want her on my side, the winning side," said Fernald. "The V.F.D. is finished, now that the cabal has the sugar bowl."

"But they don't have the sugar bowl," said Violet.

"What!" said Fernald.

"I mean, they have the bowl but we destroyed the secrets inside before they could use them."

Fernald went white. "Then I betrayed the man who saved me for nothing."

"Fernald -- " began Violet.

"I've got to think. Leave me alone," said Fernald. He walked away and slouched in a corner.

"Thinkenkaps," said Sunny.

"You're right, Sunny. We've got to think, too. What's the cabal going to do at the V.F.D. meeting tomorrow, and how can we stop it?" said Violet.

Violet and Sunny stayed up all night thinking. Violet read and made notes in Klaus's commonplace book while Sunny thoughtfully chewed a table leg. What were they going to do?


	9. Chapter 8 of Book the 12th, Lemony Fresh

Chapter 8 of Book the 12th

Since I am about to join the narrative for the first time in person, I hope the readers will forgive me a long digression, which here means "boring the readers by going over the past instead of getting on with the story." If you get too bored you can always skip to the next chapter.

I arrived at the Briny Beach early on Tuesday morning, disguised as a trash bag blowing along the beach in the wind, which was a good disguise because there were many of these blowing about.

Kit was already there (she had survived being shot at by Mr. Poe and a car crash by means of a bulletproof vest and a driver's side airbag). Quigley Quagmire arrived a few minutes later in another of our taxis.

Together we searched the submarine the Baudelaires had left beached in the sand. We pieced together the woeful tale of what happened to the Baudelaires in the grim Gorgonic Grotto. From evidence left by Count Olaf when he looted the ship, I deduced the Baudelaire's capture and subsequent escape. From notes Klaus had left in the margins of "Mushroom Minutiae" I deduced Sunny's infection, and from the opened tin of wasabi I deduced her cure. I'm quite good at deduction, which here means "guessing."

(I also deduced that the V.F.D. had replanted the Gorgonic Grotto since the days of the fire, using spores from one of the Visitable Fungoid Ditches mentioned in Chapter 39 of "Mushroom Minutiae." The new tin of wasabi could only have been left in the grotto by someone tending the mushrooms recently. This made me terribly sad. I wrote a note to my publishers while inside the submarine but it was almost completely washed out with ocean water and my tears)

Quigley was horrified that the Baudelaires had failed to decode his Verse Fluctuation Declaration and had gone off with Mr. Poe instead of with Kit. So was I; and I was very much afraid my next book would be quite short, along the lines of "The Baudelaires were killed. The End."

We retired to an apartment my sister had rented under an assumed name, and with Quigley's help I finished up the "The Slippery Slope" and got well into the writing of "The Grim Grotto" (I write very fast). Then I took a break from writing because Kit wanted me to try to find a test tube in a room she had filled with sand (it was a V.F.D. training refresher exercise). I was lucky and found it in twenty-seven minutes.

After an excellent lunch, which included a chilled salad of sliced mango, black beans, chopped celery mixed with black pepper, lime juice, and olive oil (a recipe that Kit shared with our late cousin Isabella, the mother of the Baudelaires), I went out and hid the thirteen chapters of "The Slippery Slope" in thirteen different places as I had written my publishers that I would. I also mailed them the still-damp note from the submarine, promising them "The Grim Grotto" would be done soon. I returned to Kit's apartment and by midnight I was half finished with "The Grim Grotto" and had figured out a complicated means of delivering it also.

On Wednesday, Kit, Quigley and I checked into the Hotel Denouement on Lousy Lane, into a room without ugly curtains, with a fine view overlooking the Grim River. There were so many agents in disguise in the lobby that the place looked like a costume contest at a science fiction convention. Right after checking in, we headed to the hotel laundry room to check out a rumor that the sugar bowl was hidden there, but fortunately we spotted the Man with a Beard and No Hair lurking nearby and realized it was a trap. A few minutes later, we heard the distressing news that the cabal had the sugar bowl.

During the day I tried over and over to send messages out the hotel room window to my publisher by carrier crow. The truce protected everyone inside the Last Safe Place, but unfortunately not the messengers I sent out. Eagles kept attacking my crows and ripping the messages out of their claws, leaving only scraps of paper to be delivered to the editor. I finally gave up, hoping they would be wise enough to deduce (guess) where to find the next manuscript once I finished it.

Kit, Quigley, and our other agents were busy all day preparing the weapons they had brought in case the truce broke down on Thursday. Some of them looked like cannisters of poison gas disguised as fire extinguishers, others like killer robot gerbils. I sincerely hoped we would not have to use them.

We had a tense hour in the evening when Kit accidently inhaled a poisonous spore after we had run out of horseradish. I was obliged to go down to the hotel dining room and order a chef's salad with spicy croutons. I was not sure on which side of the schism the waiter's loyalties lay, but he proved to be more noble than wicked and I managed to find, at the bottom of the bowl, one wasabi-flavored crouton that saved Kit's life.

By early morning the truce was in full effect and I was able to smuggle out the finished book, "The Grim Grotto", along with new instructions for my publisher in a batch of encoded sandwiches.

(Now that everyone is bored and has stopped reading I can hide a message to the survivors of the V.F.D. -- WARNING: do not under any circumstances return to the Hotel Denouement, whether to look for lost sugar bowls or lost comrades. The danger is still far too great! L.S.) 


	10. Chapter 9 of Book the 12th, Bidding War

Chapter 9 of Book the 12th  
  
On Thursday morning the Baudelaires were brought before Jerome Squalor and Justice Strauss.  
  
"We're going to the Hotel Denouement," announced the Justice. "Before we get there, we want some information from you. I can't believe you would just eat all the salt messages without reading any of them. You're going to tell us what you read."  
  
"We didn't read any of them," said Violet. She realized they would try to use the information to bluff the V.F.D. into thinking they had the sugar bowl.  
  
"You're lying," said Jerome. "Tell us or your little sister dies."  
  
"You're planning to kill us all soon anyway," said Klaus.  
  
"Hobson!" said Sunny, which meant "I might as well die now as later."  
  
Strauss gave a sudden smile. "I don't think we need to threaten them after all. What's that bulge in Violet's pocket? It looks about the right size for a commonplace book."  
  
"No!" said Violet, but they grabbed her and took the book from her pocket. The villains riffled through it. On the last page there was a transcription of the OLAF salt message which Violet had made during the night.  
  
"Perfect, just what we need!" said Strauss. "V.F.D. agents are fools for keeping notes like this."  
  
"Since they've become so uncooperative let's put them back in the Holding Cell," said Squalor.  
  
When the Baudelaires were next conscious, the Interrogator was docked by the side of the Grim River, right beside the Hotel Denouement. Everyone, including all the Snow Scouts, was marched up the bank, into the back entrance, and through a corridor into the central courtyard.  
  
The Hotel Denouement is built in a hollow square around a huge central courtyard open to the sky. In three of the four corners the agents of the various sides were gathered.  
  
The "fight fire with fire" faction of the V.F.D. was lead by the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard. Standing with them were Kevin, Hugo, and Colette of the Caligari Carnival, Geraldine Julienne of the Daily Punctilio, and many other sinister agents. Sitting on the ground near them, tied up as prisoners, were a few Snow Scouts that Count Olaf had not needed, and also Hector, Duncan, and Isadora. Hector's self-sustaining flying machine had been captured by eagles and brought here. It was moored to the top of the Hotel Denouement. The villains had also brought many lions, eagles, and reptiles in cages to show off their conquests.  
  
The "world is quiet here" faction of the V.F.D. was led by Kit Snicket. By her side were Quigley Quagmire and myself, Lemony Snicket. There were many other agents, including taxi drivers, Happy Clown waiters, the man known as "Sir" who owned Lucky Smells Lumbermill, and the librarian from Prufrock Preparatory school. We had brought our "fire extinguishers", carrier crows, and boxes containing high-tech inventions and weapons.  
  
The new arrivals took their place among the agents of the cabal that were already here: fish waiters from Cafe Salmonella, several Volunteers Fighting Disease, two realtors, Mrs. Morrow from the Village of Fowl Devotees, Vice Principal Nero, and, to my surprise, Charles from the Lucky Smells Lumbermill.  
  
Justice Strauss carried the sugar bowl (which they had refilled with plain salt) and set it down on the podium in front of her. Jerome Squalor stood close beside her.  
  
"Welcome, friends, enemies, and neutrals, to the V.F.D. truce convention," said Kit into her microphone. "Traditionally, the side with the sugar bowl speaks first and sets the agenda. This year, we have a new player in the game. Tell us, what do you want?"  
  
"We represent the Interrogator Cabal," said Justice Strauss into her microphone. "As you can see, we have captured your sugar bowl. Your secrets have already been transcribed and sent to our main office, so don't try anything. We are here to negotiate further with the V.F.D."  
  
"What more do you want?" demanded the woman with hair and no beard in a deep, deep voice.  
  
"There are secrets that were not in the sugar bowl, such as that flying machine which was just recently finished," said Strauss. "But first, as a gesture of good faith, we would like to restore these young people we rescued from Count Olaf's submarine to their parents."  
  
There was a cheer from the Snow Scouts.  
  
"They don't have parents any more," said the man with a beard and no hair in a high, hoarse voice. "We've been busy these past few days and burned down all their parent's homes as we planned."  
  
There was a wail from the Snow Scouts.  
  
"There goes our idea to use them as spies against their parents," whispered Jerome to the Justice.  
  
"In that case, we'll give them to whichever side makes us the best offer of secrets," said Strauss into the microphone.  
  
"We'll give you our new secrets, the flying machine, and its inventor in exchange for the Snow Scout orphans and the Baudelaires," said the woman with hair and no beard. "We want to steal their fortunes."  
  
"The Baudelaires are not on the table," said the Justice. "We promised ourselves revenge on them for annoying us."  
  
"We only need one," said the man with a beard and no hair, "And we promise to kill that one once we have their money."  
  
"Slowly and painfully?" asked Squalor.  
  
"Agreed," said the man with a beard and no hair.  
  
"Any counter-offers?" the Justice asked Kit.  
  
"We offer all the new products of our research and development for the next two years in exchange for the children, including the Baudelaires" said Kit. "But we won't kill anyone for you."  
  
"I don't like to argue. No deal," said Squalor. "We'll go with the first offer."  
  
"It will take some time to separate out from our sugar-bowls the duplicate records you already have," said the woman with hair and no beard.  
  
"Oh, don't worry about duplications," said the Justice.  
  
The man with a beard and no hair's eyes narrowed, "Don't worry about duplications? That sounds suspicious to me. How do we know you have the secrets at all? Anyone could buy a sugar bowl."  
  
"Of course we have them," said Squalor, "I'll prove it." He took out the commonplace book and began to read. "NAME: OLAF SNICKET, AKA COUNT OLAF. SKILLS: ACTOR EXTRAORDINAIRE, WORLD'S MOST HANDSOME MAN. RELATIVES IN THE V.F.D.: MY BROTHER MORT AND SISTER NATASHA (BUT THEY WILL KILL ANYONE WHO DOESN'T CALL THEM THE MAN WITH A BEARD AND NO HAIR AND THE WOMAN WITH HAIR AND NO BEARD RESPECTIVELY)."  
  
The woman with hair and no beard interrupted with a snarl, "Under ordinary circumstances we'd kill you for using our birth names..."  
  
The man with a beard and no hair said, "Wait a second! They didn't; they got them backward! They said, Mort and Natasha... the man with a beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard respectively!"  
  
"They don't have the sugar bowl!" yelled the woman with hair and no beard to the other V.F.D. agents. "Attack them!"  
  
The agents waiting beside the cages suddenly opened them, releasing lions, eagles, and reptiles. The agents on our side opened the boxes to release killer robot gerbils carrying poisonous mushrooms in their mouths. The agents of the cabal drew their weapons and began shooting. In an instant it was a pandemonium (which here means a wild mess of lions, eagles, reptiles, killer robot gerbils, and gunfire). Soon, all three sides were fighting each other.  
  
"What happened?" Justice Strauss demanded of Violet. Strauss was cowering for cover behind the podium.  
  
"I figured you might need proof, so last night I transcribed the message wrong to set a trap for you," said Violet.  
  
"You've forced me to use my weapon of last resort," said Strauss. "You won't enjoy what happens next."  
  
Strauss took out her whistle and blew a series of eerie, high-pitched notes. There was a loud splashing sound from outside, and then the long tentacles of the Interrogator wrapped themselves around the whole hotel and began to squeeze. 


	11. Chapter 10 of Book the 12th, Mortal Coil

Chapter 10 of Book the 12th  
  
There was a rumbling sound and the cracking of bricks under the pressure of the Interrogator's tentacles. The monster had crushed a metal submarine in minutes. How long before the whole hotel caved in?  
  
"You're killing yourselves, too!" Violet shouted at Strauss and Squalor.  
  
"Not while I hold down this remote-control button," said Strauss. She gestured with the device she held tight in her left hand.  
  
Just then Captain Widdershins, who had been left unguarded in the melee, tackled the Justice from behind. He grabbed the control and threw it to Violet.  
  
"Abandon ship! Aye! Women and children first! Aye! Old sea captains first too! He or she who hesitates is --"  
  
Blam! Jerome Squalor shot him at close range.  
  
Violet ran with the remote into the pack of Snow Scouts. "Everyone stand close to me! This control will protect everyone -- I hope." Some of the scouts believed her, but many panicked and ran. Strangely, Carmelita Spats was one of the ones who stayed.  
  
"Give that remote back!" shouted Squalor. He and the Justice charged the group of children together, ready to shoot their way to Violet.  
  
"Yes, give it b-AAACK!" said the Justice. That's as far as she got, because Fernald lunged in and put a hook through each of their throats!  
  
"For Olaf," said Fernald grimly.  
  
Fiona looked at Fernald for a moment with a horrified expression, then she suddenly gave him a hug. "You did the right thing. Aye!"  
  
"Klaus, Sunny! Where are you!" shouted Violet.  
  
"I'm here!" yelled Klaus from the edge of the huddle of Snow Scouts. "Sunny's over there -- oh no!"  
  
A gigantic snake raced along the ground toward the helpless young girl... Then it lunged at her, and she embraced it!  
  
"Bela!" said Sunny, laughing as she hugged the Incredibly Deadly Viper. The "fight fire with fire" V.F.D. had believed the snake's name and released the harmless creature into the fight.  
  
"Sunny, come over here with us!" Violet called her. Sunny was talking to Bela in a hissing language they both seemed to understand.  
  
"Saving Quagmires!" Sunny called to her siblings.  
  
Sunny hung onto the snake and it towed her swiftly though the courtyard grass to where Duncan and Isadora were tied with Hector. Sunny bit through the ropes and freed all three while Bela stood guard and hissed, keeping the lions and killer robot gerbils at bay.  
  
The man with the beard and no hair and the woman with hair and no beard summoned eagles to carry them up to the self-sustaining airborne mobile home. They had just reached it when the tentacles of the Interrogator grabbed it, crushing both it and them.  
  
Another tentacle came directly toward the group standing with Violet and Klaus. It looped completely around them at waist level and gripped them tight.  
  
"We're going to be crushed!" cried Klaus.  
  
"No," said Violet, "It's being gentle, for a monster chambered nautilus anyway. I think if I keep holding down the button it's programmed to pull us to safety."  
  
"Sunny!" yelled Klaus, "It's lifting us out of here. Hurry or you'll be left behind!"  
  
Sunny, Duncan, Isadora, and Hector ran to the group, but the others had already been lifted off the ground by the time they got there.  
  
"Grab onto our legs! It's the only way out," said Violet.  
  
"Bela?" asked Sunny sadly.  
  
"There's no way to take Bela, I'm sorry," said Klaus. "She has a good chance even if the building collapses because she can crawl between rocks."  
  
Sunny held onto Fiona's leg, Duncan to Klaus's, Isadora to Violet's, and Hector barely hung on to the legs of Fernald.  
  
As they were being "gently" lifted out of the building, the other tentacles of the Interrogator began squeezing much harder. Apparently it had been holding back because of the remote's command to spare them. The walls cracked and began caving in.  
  
"What happened to Quigley?" asked Isadora. "I haven't seen him since the fighting began."  
  
"Oh no! Quigley!" Violet cried.  
  
From their high vantage point the group saw the walls of the Hotel Denouement collapse all at once, burying everyone still inside. The Interrogator continued to squeeze, crushing even the rubble together.  
  
"Quiiigley!" Violet began to sob.  
  
"It's all right," said one of the Snow Scouts, who strangely enough was wearing one of the snow-gnat masks. "Though everything would have been much better if you had just understood my message and taken that taxi."  
  
"Quigley?" said Violet. "Quigley, you're alive!!"  
  
"I had to get close to make sure you were okay, so I infiltrated the group of scouts. I brought another friend along." He nodded toward another masked Snow Scout beside him.  
  
The second masked figure took off his mask, revealing a face very like Count Olaf's but with much kinder eyes.  
  
"I'm Lemony Snicket," I said. "I had to see how the story ended. Otherwise, how could I write it?"  
  
"What about Kit?" asked Quigley.  
  
"I saw her go down in the early fighting," I said with tears in my eyes. "I think she wanted to die battling the enemy. She had gotten so fanatical about the cause, almost to the point of fighting fire with fire..."  
  
The Interrogator set us down on the ground with a thump. Those who had been holding onto legs rolled out of the way.  
  
"Wheeew!" said Sunny, which meant "I don't know how much longer I could have held on."  
  
But the Interrogator did not let the rest of us go.  
  
"I'm not sure how this control works," said Violet. "If I let go the button it might just start crushing us. Maybe Justice Strauss had a whistle signal for it, but I don't know what it was."  
  
"We can't just stay like this," protested Klaus. "It feels like it's gripping tighter now. The programming effect may be short-term."  
  
"If everyone lets out their breath at once, we'll get a tiny bit of slack," said Violet. "Then if one can slip out, it will give us a bit more. Then two or more can get free at once, then everyone."  
  
"Let me hold the button and go last," I suggested, "Smallest to largest is the best chance."  
  
"You're sure you'll be all right?" asked Klaus.  
  
"Yes," I lied.  
  
"Then everyone exhale on three," said Violet. "One, two, three!"  
  
Everything went almost as planned. The smallest child slipped out, then more and more until everyone was free. All but one person. The tentacle retightened around me, but now both my arms were free.  
  
"Lemony! Why didn't you slip out too?" asked Quigley.  
  
"The monster would just have grabbed you again, so I'm keeping it occupied. I'm done for anyway. As we were sneaking over just after the battle started, I was bitten on the ankle by a venomous salamander. There's no cure."  
  
"I'm sorry, Lemony," said Quigley.  
  
"I have one last request," I said.  
  
"What is it?" asked Violet.  
  
"Bring me a pen and a lot of paper. And tell me everything that happened to you since you went with Poe. I have a book to finish!"  
  
"I wish there was more we could do," said Klaus.  
  
"My only regret is that I will die with my name uncleared," I said, "Count Olaf framed me for a series of arsons and I've been on the run from the police and my enemies ever since."  
  
"I have something for you," said Violet, reaching into the corner of her pocket and taking out the OLAF salt tablet she had hidden there. "On this, Count Olaf confessed his intent to commit arson and to frame you. We'll get it to the police and clear your name."  
  
"Thank you," I said.  
  
And so it happens that I am completing this book while preparing to "shuffle off this mortal coil", as Shakespeare said (though in this case I am in the grip of a "mortal coil").  
  
I'm never going to find out what happens to the Baudelaires, or the newly-orphaned Snow Scouts, or the Quagmires, or Fernald and Fiona, or Hector. But I hope that, with so many of their enemies and "friends" gone, they will have a better time of it than in this miserable series of unfortunate events I have made it my sad duty to write.  
  
I am going to join my dear Beatrice at last. The children will carry out my complex instructions to ... this book to the publisher. Sorry .... the blots, my writing hand is ...... weak.  
  
With all ... resp...,  
Lemony Sni 


End file.
